Beyond Capability {Capacity}
Definition of Capability: the quality of state of being capable, a feature capable of development, the potential for an indicated use.
Definition of Capacity: potential or suitability for holding, storing or accommodating, an individuals mental or physical ability, potential for treating, experiencing, or appreciating, duty, position, role, power to produce, perform, deploy, maximum output
{adapted definitions from here.}
I was sitting in my chair while my husband put our two youngest to bed, the oldest off to church camp, I was beyond...everything. I was feeling incapable of anything and maxed out in capacity.
We are now proud owners of a yellow lab and full calendars, 3 out of 5 in chiropractor appointments more than once a week, and trying to eat only homemade foods, nothing packaged, dyed, full of preservatives, canola oil and for the time being - dairy free. At some point of the day someone is lacking something and I feel like Fix it Felix with no answers or overwhelmed with where to start.
We have a garden yielding raspberries that no one wants to pick. I don't mind going out, but every{other} day for an hour and then watching kids throw them back in our ac house without lifting a finger? Gets my Ma Ingalls blood boiling. But no worries, even after washing them one child found the teeniest tiniest bug EVER and won't eat them now, so no need to ask her to pick. Our pup gets very...savage playful, is hard to manage for the younger two, so asking them to help with her just ends up in tears and yelling.
Laundry, dishes, budgeting, meal planning, shopping, errands, unreturned texts and phone calls, and while I am feeling no room for more, its summer and of course my kids want friends over, and I love having their friends over, but I see and feel no room at the moment of being asked at 3pm at the store to entertain and feed guests, by the way who is going to play with Kujo and pick those blessed raspberries? I waited till the weekend so my hubby could help 'entertain', but why I thought my handsome sweet husband who isn't very social would be thrilled to entertain children? I still get the giggles seeing his face when the idea came up.
It never fails that meal times is when it all comes to a head, I just want to sit and eat the warm food I prepared. Or when I stretch to lower the stress, the kids went out and picked...4 raspberries. We all went back out and picked for 30 minutes and came in with a huge bowl. One child said, "I wish we would have done this the first time so we could be in bed now." Amen sister, Amen.
After our oldest boarded the bus for Middle School Church Camp, I came home and baked for hours to take food up to the mountains where I would spend 3 nights with our puppy and the two youngest, while my hard working husband did just that. I sat down at the end of the evening with terrible tasting muffins and had no idea what to feed my child in the am. All dairy milk alternatives have been tried several times with cereal and oatmeal, and have been discarded. She is now turning to carb only meals, muffins, pancakes, waffles and she always feels lethargic and no endurance. Most people I talk to call that a gluten sensitivity. Our next challenge will be gluten free but we will try that after her week at camp. {Truth be told I am using Bob Red Mill GF Baking Blend 1 to 1 when making pancakes, waffles, and this mornings muffins without the roll call so they don't know nor sniff out a change and reject it}
I am feeling the weight of our world on my shoulders, and not feeling capable - unable to develop, I feel zero use of my potential of being a mom, and an enjoyable one at that. I feel beyond capacity - my baggage, literally, from our last 2 weeks of being in the mountains and homemade everything - my husband is looking at new trailers and a truck because of those hauls, but mentally able to store, accommodate, and hold on to - oh sweetness, those words are a joke. The part of Merriam-Websters definition of capacity that slowed me down, is the treating, experiencing, and appreciating. I want to experience motherhood, and appreciate it. I want to treat motherhood like I only get to do this once...and that makes my heart skip, since 'once' is all I get.
When Maggie woke me up at 330 am and again at 5, I was able to read my bible in the mountains, watch the sunrise and drink my tea and have time to myself, and with the One who made me a mother. He knows my potential, He knows my capability, when I am over capacity, and He is always there. He knows how I will react, He knows that I am over reacting, over tired, and still running in the mouse wheel. Sometimes I think He is eating popcorn and watching a rerun of me doing the same things over and over again, and He's like "Really? Again? Ok..." He never fails to show His face to me when I say to my kids "Haven't we talked about this?" I amthe worst challenged at reliving lessons or not allowing others to come to their own conclusions of knowing that the same problem will have the same outcome unless you change the solution, or the process of how you handle it.
I was sitting in my chair while my husband put our two youngest to bed, the oldest off to church camp, I was beyond...everything. I was feeling incapable of anything and maxed out in capacity.
We are now proud owners of a yellow lab and full calendars, 3 out of 5 in chiropractor appointments more than once a week, and trying to eat only homemade foods, nothing packaged, dyed, full of preservatives, canola oil and for the time being - dairy free. At some point of the day someone is lacking something and I feel like Fix it Felix with no answers or overwhelmed with where to start.
We have a garden yielding raspberries that no one wants to pick. I don't mind going out, but every{other} day for an hour and then watching kids throw them back in our ac house without lifting a finger? Gets my Ma Ingalls blood boiling. But no worries, even after washing them one child found the teeniest tiniest bug EVER and won't eat them now, so no need to ask her to pick. Our pup gets very...
Laundry, dishes, budgeting, meal planning, shopping, errands, unreturned texts and phone calls, and while I am feeling no room for more, its summer and of course my kids want friends over, and I love having their friends over, but I see and feel no room at the moment of being asked at 3pm at the store to entertain and feed guests, by the way who is going to play with Kujo and pick those blessed raspberries? I waited till the weekend so my hubby could help 'entertain', but why I thought my handsome sweet husband who isn't very social would be thrilled to entertain children? I still get the giggles seeing his face when the idea came up.
It never fails that meal times is when it all comes to a head, I just want to sit and eat the warm food I prepared. Or when I stretch to lower the stress, the kids went out and picked...4 raspberries. We all went back out and picked for 30 minutes and came in with a huge bowl. One child said, "I wish we would have done this the first time so we could be in bed now." Amen sister, Amen.
After our oldest boarded the bus for Middle School Church Camp, I came home and baked for hours to take food up to the mountains where I would spend 3 nights with our puppy and the two youngest, while my hard working husband did just that. I sat down at the end of the evening with terrible tasting muffins and had no idea what to feed my child in the am. All dairy milk alternatives have been tried several times with cereal and oatmeal, and have been discarded. She is now turning to carb only meals, muffins, pancakes, waffles and she always feels lethargic and no endurance. Most people I talk to call that a gluten sensitivity. Our next challenge will be gluten free but we will try that after her week at camp. {Truth be told I am using Bob Red Mill GF Baking Blend 1 to 1 when making pancakes, waffles, and this mornings muffins without the roll call so they don't know nor sniff out a change and reject it}
I am feeling the weight of our world on my shoulders, and not feeling capable - unable to develop, I feel zero use of my potential of being a mom, and an enjoyable one at that. I feel beyond capacity - my baggage, literally, from our last 2 weeks of being in the mountains and homemade everything - my husband is looking at new trailers and a truck because of those hauls, but mentally able to store, accommodate, and hold on to - oh sweetness, those words are a joke. The part of Merriam-Websters definition of capacity that slowed me down, is the treating, experiencing, and appreciating. I want to experience motherhood, and appreciate it. I want to treat motherhood like I only get to do this once...and that makes my heart skip, since 'once' is all I get.
When Maggie woke me up at 330 am and again at 5, I was able to read my bible in the mountains, watch the sunrise and drink my tea and have time to myself, and with the One who made me a mother. He knows my potential, He knows my capability, when I am over capacity, and He is always there. He knows how I will react, He knows that I am over reacting, over tired, and still running in the mouse wheel. Sometimes I think He is eating popcorn and watching a rerun of me doing the same things over and over again, and He's like "Really? Again? Ok..." He never fails to show His face to me when I say to my kids "Haven't we talked about this?" I am
God is all the capability and capacity that I need. He lets me dump everything in His lap, in fact He has asked us all - "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest," Matthew 11:28 KJB. So why do I feel like the world is on my shoulders? Thanks to allowing myself to feel that way, I am heaping shovels of responsibility, guilt, pressure, judgment to where nothing can survive in that kind of environment. There will be no joyful motherhood here if I bury myself.
In order to have anything be fully capable, it has to be under certain regulations and guidelines. You don't ask a baby to drive a car, why am I asking myself to be over tasked and to have joy while doing so? Everything has a maxed out capacity, so why add more when its full? Its like watching someone pour a gallon of water into an 8 ounce glass, you have to spend more time cleaning the mess than if you just stopped.
My remedy to being beyond full and feeling less than? Clearly go to the feet of Jesus everyday. In Matt Mahers song, Lord I Need You, his lyrics are on my lips and in my heart reminding me how much I need God, and not only in the quiet hours of the day, but to call on Him while driving mountain roads and your kids keep opening ketchup packages and dropping them all over the car and the guilt of getting drive through food is now physically causing anger and resentment because there is ketchup all.over.the.car....hypothetically speaking of course.
Accepting where I am and what I am asked to do by the Lord, not what I think the world wants me to do or judging myself to death, will be the salve to my wounded self caused by allowing too much mental pressure.
Its June with so much summer. And I can't wait to pick up my oldest from camp, my brother and his family are driving from Nashville, TN and will arrive today, and my other brother turns 40 today. I am definitely capable of being joyful today and anything and everything else will be prayed over with the Lord by my side, taking over all the excess that I do not need to carry.
"Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart
Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You"
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